New cycle for the new year

As 2013 rapidly approaches, today cycle day 35 is looking likely to become cycle day 1. The last cycle of 2012. It's been a hard year, the worst in my so far 4 1/2 year struggle to become a mom. I have had a very hard time this year staying positive, staying happy. I have lost that battle more days this year than I have won it. I've watched two friends (well, four friends, two couples), who started ttc about the same time we did, have their dreams come true and two beautiful, oh so wanted and dreamed for babies born.  Riley was born in May, Jordyn just last week - what a Christmas present she made!! My optimistic side and my pessimistic side alternate between thinking it MUST be my turn soon and thinking the more friends I know who win mean statistically my chances go down, we can't ALL win, am I destined to be the one who never does?

We've been on a break for several months, letting the residual Clomid get out of my system, wasn't as careful with my diet, went off of my supplements, stopped taking my temp, drank some (alcohol and coffee), etc. It was also supposed to be a mental break for me, giving me a chance to collect myself, relax from the cycle of "could this be it" etc, but that never really happened. Tracking my cycle or not, "trying" or not, thinking it's possible or not, it doesn't change the wondering about every symptom, getting my hopes up and then crashing down when AF shows. I am working on another post about what infertility has stolen from me and what it has given to me, mostly it has stolen my love of children. I can't hardly be around them for more than a couple of minutes at a time without melting down. Older children are better but anyone under about 10yrs old just simply hurts too bad. Pictures hurt, videos hurt, every single movie and tv show eventually has some sort of pregnancy or birth in it and every single one is a knife to my heart. "On a break" didn't help nor hurt this, it just is and it is inescapable.

As this cycle and this year come to an end, it's time to get back on track. My morning coffee and beloved Starbucks will be going by the wayside this week, laid aside for hopefully a good long while (due to pregnancy, hopefully not a good long while of ttc), same with alcohol (not that I drink very much anyways). Time to start temping again and get back on my supplements. Time to buy another bulk pack of pregnancy tests and ovulation predictors. Time to get back to the RE (although I am seriously thinking of finding another) and start formulating a game plan. This is also likely our last hurrah. Our tentative game plan when we went on this break was to wait for the new year of insurance benefits to kick in, do a round of the injectible ovulation stimulating hormones and, hopefully, one well time iui. If it doesn't work we have discussed stopping on us getting pregnant and start exploring other options such as surrogacy which will not be financially feasible for a long time, if ever and adoption is not going to be an option for financial and red tape reasons for a few years at least. But no pressure.

I am choosing to go into this new year and new cycle on a positive note. I choose to see it as a good sign that this last cycle is finishing up just as the new year begins - a new year and a new start - maybe a new life? We'll see if I can keep my optimism up :)

Bad blogger, bad bad blogger!

I have not done a post in a while now. Partly because I have had to take a break from pretty much all things baby for mental reasons, partly because my add gets in my way. I get ideas for posts and before I can get it fleshed out and the post even written, my brain has flitted on to 40 other ideas and none of them get written. I intend to change that.

As a little catch up, obviously we are still not pregnant. Mr TCI and I recently had our 5yr wedding anniversary and are closing in on our 6yr "meetiversary" lol. We had to take a break as I was getting too close to the edge of a nervous breakdown or something. We also had spent our allotted 2012 fertility insurance/budget so decided to just take it easy for a few months, save up some money, wait for the new benefits year to roll around and see if I could get in a better place mentally. I'm not sure how much it helped, I'm still not doing very well.

Our tentative game plan for the new year is to do a round of injectible ovulation stimulators and an iui. Honestly I am thinking of finding another re as well. I love the office, love his nurse, really like him in a lot of ways but on the other hand his attitude kind of bugs me. He doesn't seem to be very interested in finding out WHY I'm not getting pregnant as much as he is interested in just trying one thing after another and seeing what, if anything, works. I suspect my thyroid is playing a part but even though I ASKED for a full panel thyroid test he only pulled the basic and declared me fine. The research I have done since then lead me to believe I am NOT *fine* and that it could be a factor. Unfortunately I have yet to find a dr, re or otherwise, who actually cares enough to do anything.

Anyways, I have a couple of ideas for things I would like to write about including more on the thyroid issue, a post that I have actually started about what infertility has stolen from me - and what it has given me and a couple of other ideas. Help me stay on track, what would you like me to write about?