As 2013 rapidly approaches, today cycle day 35 is looking likely to become cycle day 1. The last cycle of 2012. It's been a hard year, the worst in my so far 4 1/2 year struggle to become a mom. I have had a very hard time this year staying positive, staying happy. I have lost that battle more days this year than I have won it. I've watched two friends (well, four friends, two couples), who started ttc about the same time we did, have their dreams come true and two beautiful, oh so wanted and dreamed for babies born. Riley was born in May, Jordyn just last week - what a Christmas present she made!! My optimistic side and my pessimistic side alternate between thinking it MUST be my turn soon and thinking the more friends I know who win mean statistically my chances go down, we can't ALL win, am I destined to be the one who never does?
We've been on a break for several months, letting the residual Clomid get out of my system, wasn't as careful with my diet, went off of my supplements, stopped taking my temp, drank some (alcohol and coffee), etc. It was also supposed to be a mental break for me, giving me a chance to collect myself, relax from the cycle of "could this be it" etc, but that never really happened. Tracking my cycle or not, "trying" or not, thinking it's possible or not, it doesn't change the wondering about every symptom, getting my hopes up and then crashing down when AF shows. I am working on another post about what infertility has stolen from me and what it has given to me, mostly it has stolen my love of children. I can't hardly be around them for more than a couple of minutes at a time without melting down. Older children are better but anyone under about 10yrs old just simply hurts too bad. Pictures hurt, videos hurt, every single movie and tv show eventually has some sort of pregnancy or birth in it and every single one is a knife to my heart. "On a break" didn't help nor hurt this, it just is and it is inescapable.
As this cycle and this year come to an end, it's time to get back on track. My morning coffee and beloved Starbucks will be going by the wayside this week, laid aside for hopefully a good long while (due to pregnancy, hopefully not a good long while of ttc), same with alcohol (not that I drink very much anyways). Time to start temping again and get back on my supplements. Time to buy another bulk pack of pregnancy tests and ovulation predictors. Time to get back to the RE (although I am seriously thinking of finding another) and start formulating a game plan. This is also likely our last hurrah. Our tentative game plan when we went on this break was to wait for the new year of insurance benefits to kick in, do a round of the injectible ovulation stimulating hormones and, hopefully, one well time iui. If it doesn't work we have discussed stopping on us getting pregnant and start exploring other options such as surrogacy which will not be financially feasible for a long time, if ever and adoption is not going to be an option for financial and red tape reasons for a few years at least. But no pressure.
I am choosing to go into this new year and new cycle on a positive note. I choose to see it as a good sign that this last cycle is finishing up just as the new year begins - a new year and a new start - maybe a new life? We'll see if I can keep my optimism up :)
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